walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
