Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
