No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
