i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
