i was rollin on her like bob the builder
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
