I accidentally had phone sex last night
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize