All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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