Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
