All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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