she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
ugly people sure do ruin things
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
