Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
