there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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