its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
