He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
