its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
