i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize