I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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