Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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