Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
