im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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