i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
