I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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