So drunk its hurt
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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