70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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