That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
