hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize