if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm getting married
To pizza
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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