So drunk its hurt
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize