u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
