I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
