omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
