apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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