Im at strip club and am horny
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize