I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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