Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
