I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So squirting runs in the family.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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