dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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