dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
