I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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