return my video game
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
