we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
