I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
