oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
