You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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