i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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