I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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