Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
