I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
