Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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