dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
