Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize