Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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