Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
