Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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