I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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