Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize