Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it's like iHOP with fire
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
