I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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