Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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