No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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